Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Jumbled Up Thoughts

Trying to find the words to write this while hoping I don't cry in the process. My thoughts are all jumbled up so this might be a hard one to read and you will probably need tissues. This is a long post. 

*Note: this is not to be a political argument or about politics. If you see it that way fine that's your opinion. If any of it is in the comments (either on here or on our Facebook) they will be deleted. *

Since 2015, I've been thinking about this off and on. In 2015, I went to an awesome Siblings Conference in Baltimore, MD. I had a blast, met new people and learned how to be very aware of things for my sibling that I didn't know before. After that I knew what I had to do and what I could do for Scott. To be honest, I got really scared. Heck I still am somewhat scared even though I try not to think about it.

Let's be real here. My parents aren't gonna live forever. Even though I wish they could it's not possible. They have provided my siblings and I the best life that they can and there doing one heck of a job. But what happens when they are no longer here? I've heard the stories of people having siblings in group homes and I've personally seen what some have done. I told myself awhile ago that I would do everything in my power to not put my brother in a group home. I wasn't going to do that to him. No way. Every time I think about the subject it makes me even more nervous for the future. How was my sister and I going to take care of him?

I'm just scared.

To be honest. I am going to be a Physical Educator one day and well it doesn't pay very much. I love teaching and that's why I and most teachers do it. I want to get my PhD so people can call me Dr. Okay, there's more to why I want to become a Dr. I love learning and I want to learn, but some part of me is saying if you have your doctorate you can make more money, have a better job and be financially stable. Another part of me is saying, "Get your PhD so when the time comes you'll own a house where Scott can live with you or at least near you. He will be dependent on you one day.
" One day it will happen.

Around this time last year I wrote a little note that I have been scared to share, but I feel like it should be.
I have this fear. It's been in the back of my mind for awhile now and I can't stop thinking about it once in a while. In life I love kids. Don't get me wrong I would love to have kids. The one thing that sticks in the back of my mind is if one of my children has Autism or a disability. That's why I'm kind of scared. Not so that if I could handle it or not but if my husband will be. This will be a completely new situation for him. Who knows how they will take it. Also, I know what it takes to be a sibling. You have to grow up faster than other kids in someways. You see things that other families don't see. If you aren't a sibling you don't understand what I mean, but that's another thing: Not everyone will understand. 
 My other fear is how my boyfriend/husband will treat my brother. Will he open his arms and let him in or will he not like him. It's a determine factor in our relationship. I need to know that they are willing to try because one day you might not know what will happen. 
Another thing I worry about is my brother. What will happen when our parents are gone. How will my sister and I handle this? How will affect my own family? I love my brother to death and would never want to see him in a bad place. I won't let that happen. 
As I grow older I wonder what life will be like. I know that somehow life works out, but for now in the back of my mind. I'm scared. I feel like I'm running through a dark tunnel that I will never be able to escape. Even if I were to escape there will be every road block imaginable. I'm ready for the challenge when it arises but in the back of my mind I'll always be afraid. 

I want to support my brother just like my parents do. I love him and my sister so much and I would do anything for them.

One thing I love about the disabled community is the siblings. We've all been through something in our lives that can relate to someone else and help them. I stay connected with all my friends I've made through the Siblings Leadership Network and through that conference.

These next four years are somewhat scaring me even more. People are determining things without even being in my shoes. It's one thing to be with a person with a disability for 8 hours a day like a teacher or to be a sibling. You haven't been through the meltdowns, the times my brother has ran out of school or our house and you haven't seen the accomplishments my brother has been through. What is going to happen to the disabled community in the next four years and beyond? I don't know. All I know is that I will fight for every person with a disability in this country. Trust me. 

Thank you for reading this. I am now going to eat some of the cake I made for Scott's birthday. 

No comments:

Post a Comment